Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.