Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.