Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”