Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
my dad has had enough
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently