Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!