Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
You are what you delete.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I put the h in mysterious.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me