Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?