Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?