Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

2023 was just a warmup

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.