Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son