Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.