Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Ghost costume 😂
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Duck typos.