Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
There is wisdom there.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro