Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard