Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

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The Chosen Phew

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Had a spot of bother earlier.

That’s not how days work.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

What a year we’ve had this week.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.