Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary