Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..