Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.