Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

your honor my client chooses dare

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

idk flipping houses looks really hard

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute