Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Love is always patient and kind.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
incredible book dedication
