Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Happy thanksgiving
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband