Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
