Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.