Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
You Might Also Like
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.