Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.