@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

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@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@TheCatWhisprer

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

@okimstillhungry

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

@NightValeRadio

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@daemonic3

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

@CheetoBandito77

Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.

@KrangTNelson

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

@marcusparkersol

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.