Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Animal poetry
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket