Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.