Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.