Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
But that’s none of my business
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.