Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
the saddest jazz hands ever
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I basically called this earlier today
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.