Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
You Might Also Like
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up