Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill