Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Isn’t

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Doggies just call it style.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.