Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both