Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
For real 🤣
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake