me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I hope this email finds you in a well
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
