Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Mmmm. Shoeshi

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.