Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

Wait a minute…

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.