Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Pee pressure > peer pressure

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.