me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me