me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time