Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like donuts.

Twitter:

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

oh you wanna fight?!

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]