me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
HERE’S MARKY
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Lmbo
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up