me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away