Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
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HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
