Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

LA today:

why no one uses midhusbands

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Become ungovernable.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer