Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities