Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)