ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*