ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
How dramatic are you?
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY