Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

quarantine day 3

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.