Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.