Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”