Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

it’s finally my moment to shine

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game