Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

is this store having a stroke wtf

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

i guess his teacher was really pissed

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.