me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”