me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Most fashion shows these days…
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
See..?
.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.