me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
LOL
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”