Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)