Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”