Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”