Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day