Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You Might Also Like
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.