Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

🙏🏾

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries