me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
You Might Also Like
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
A leaf blower, but for people.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people