Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

The legends speak of a third Duran…