Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Always this one for me forever

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child