Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

They should make a moral fiber supplement

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

playing pool? you mean swimming?