Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.