me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!