Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.