me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
by any beans necessary
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”