me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
You Might Also Like
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Whoa… oh I see lol
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
<- sleeps well with others
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Dishonest mechanic?
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
it’s finally my moment to shine
