Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

It kinda feels like this rn

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?