me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.


Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
Hi, I’m Nancy!


me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread


Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor



“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”


Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..


Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*


*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes


My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete


All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.