Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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Lower your expectations.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?
– me as a marriage counselor
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.