@pilau

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

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@jwoodham

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

@MomofTeen

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

@Sean_Burgundy_

Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor

@WheelTod

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

@VanGobot

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

@girl_a_whirl

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.