me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.