me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband