Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
