Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away