Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
You Might Also Like
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.