Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed