Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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BaD BoY!!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Worth a try
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?