me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.