Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

How do I get a job writing these texts

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.