Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake